Then I Saw Her Face


From the moment I saw my baby daughters face, I was in love.  And I mean, totally smitten.  Her dark caramel skin was so soft and smooth with wispy curls forming around her perfect balding head. I seriously had never been so in love with something so small in my whole life.  I swear my heart just about jumped out of my chest with utter joy.

As we drove with our Social Worker, Tyler, to meet our daughter’s birth Mom, and pick up our baby girl, I couldn’t hold back the excitement, joy, and tears. I was so nervous but I honestly never worried at all about the health of our daughter.  I’ll call our daughter “Lou Lou” as that has become one of her nicknames over time.  I knew Lou Lou was healthy and strong as had been reported to us by the agency.  But I worried about Roxy.  I worried about her emotional state and I worried about her changing her mind.  Worrying is actually something very familiar to me, and for those that know me best, it’s something I excel at.  But worrying isn’t strength.

Lou Lou was not even 24 hours old, and how could a Mother be strong enough to endure something like this?  How could a woman who had just given birth to such a precious baby, place her in a strangers arms and trust them to keep her baby safe?

So we waited, again, like we had waited for six years to get to this point.  We sat there for what seemed an eternity, and then she entered with Lou Lou in her arms, all wrapped up and sleeping, Roxy brought in our baby girl.  It’s like that moment is engraved in my mind.  I can still close my eyes and see Roxy’s dimples, echoed in Lou Lou’s.

We sat down and visited while Lou Lou cooed sleepily in Roxy’s arms. I could tell it was like ripping her heart out to hand Lou Lou to us.  She placed Lou Lou in Ken’s arms first.  It was precious watching my sweetheart become a Father for the first time.  It was something I couldn’t give him.

The smile on Roxy’s face as she placed Lou Lou in Ken’s arms was illuminating to me. I honestly don’t know how she had the strength to do it.  After all the years we had tried and prayed and searched and worked to get to this point.  I just wanted to grab Roxy and tell her it just didn’t feel right.  I couldn’t take her baby…I just wanted Roxy to come home with us too….

Soon it was my turn to hold our daughter.  Roxy placed Lou Lou in my arms next, and I think I sobbed like a baby.  There didn’t seem to be enough tissues in the room because I couldn’t stop crying.

This sweet little baby in my arms was mine, I really couldn’t believe it.  My dream to become a Mother had finally come true.  At that very moment, I realized that our little family was living proof that goals can be reached, dreams can come true, prayers are really answered, and somehow this sweet blessing did come to us through unexpected means.

LouLouBaby_SM

We asked Roxy if we could name Lou Lou after her?  She cried and said she thought that would be wonderful.  So Lou Lou has her birth Mother’s middle name, the way it should be.

I was on emotional overload.  Have you ever felt that way?  My heart broke for her, and rejoiced for me.  I was selfish and concerned, grateful at my joy and distraught at her sadness all at the same time.  As much as my arms and heart ached for my baby, my heart wept with love and gratitude for Roxy and the emotions and despair I imagined she would feel.

We were very blessed to get a bunch of pictures of our two hour meeting with Roxy and our new daughter.  Some of Roxy’s other family members were there to support her and meet us too.  It was a great experience to meet them and put faces with names.  Adoption is an amazing reality of creating family out of strangers.

I don’t know how she walked out of that room after placing her child in our arms.  Roxy, a beautiful woman, with the biggest heart and strength that I have never seen, had chosen to place her baby in our arms and somehow walk away.

Now here’s where I get on my soap box, and I apologize if you don’t want to read this part, but it’s honestly my opinion of adoption…

As I’ve mentioned before Birth Mother’s don’t want to be called “Birth Mother’s”, they are judged harshly by many ignorant people who don’t understand adoption or the emotional side of adoption. We have no right to judge anyone, especially on something as serious and emotional and personal as birth parents and placing their child for adoption.

Placing a child for adoption is not “giving your child away” as so many people refer it to.  It’s not the easy way out….because it’s not easy at all.

Instead, placing your child for adoption is choosing to put that child and her needs before your own.   I watched Roxy’s emotions during our visit.  I even remember asking her “What’s the one thing you want Lou Lou to know?  What’s your biggest fear?”  Roxy said with tears streaming down her face, “That she won’t know how much I love her”.

I could tell choosing to walk out of the room was probably the hardest thing she had ever done in 19 years of her life.

I still can’t stop crying when I recall and think about those memories.

Roxy’s gift to our family is very comparable for us in many ways to that of our Savior who gave his life so that we could live.  Roxy is one of the most self-less people I know, she actually chose to go through this heart ache because she loved her child that much…she loved Lou Lou enough to give her something she couldn’t give her…a life she couldn’t offer her yet, a life with a Father and a Mother.

The fact that Roxy trusted and loved Ken and I enough to raise her child as our child for now and throughout eternity was a bond that can never be broken.

We are forever grateful to Roxy and we love her so much.  Lou Lou is 13 now and it’s crazy to think it’s been that long already and that our daughter is going to be driving and be an adult before we know it.  I will share our letters that we sent the day after we brought Lou Lou home in my next post.  ❤ Andi

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