My emotions run deeply in my soul and I know where it stems from, from that sweet Mother I love beyond measure.
From a young age I grew up without my Mother. She was the epitome of love and softness and I miss her every single day. I try not to think about it too much or the familiar ache returns to my chest and the tears continue to fall like rain on a stormy day.
I have plenty to keep me busy, so I pull out those emotions less and less and I’ve come to acknowledge that I have them and can even hold it together when I talk about her for the most part.
But there are days, moments rather. Ok, there are even seconds, when I catch myself aching. And I have to snap myself back into reality and remember that I’m not a victim, I’m not an orphan, I’m not even a child anymore. But there are some
days seconds moments, I still feel like a child.
(Ok, my Hubby and Sisters might say I still act like a child, but that’s for a different essay).
I got to see my Mom this past week.
Even though it was a dream, it was a beautiful dream at that.
Mom has been gone for nearly 30 years.
For the first time in my life since she has passed, she was in my dreams.
This is one for the record books people…Alright, just my record book.
Wow you’re no fun. For me, it should be shouted from the roof tops and written in Time Magazine, or even at least posted in Times Square. But you know, not everything gets center stage. Especially not dreams.
I can’t really explain much about the dream, since most of my dreams are random glimpses into what I’m experiencing or what I am struggling with…like Church duties, daily routines, stress from sicknesses or the like or even craft projects I’ve been working on. There are times even, believe it or not, the spy movies or TV shows I watch will inspire some wild crazy dream. It’s funny how dreams mimic what I’m doing or going through, almost like my brain continues on as if I’m still alert, only I’m not, of course.
This dream, well it was a glimpse into a future I cannot wait to see.
I long for this moment and have since I was a little 11 year old girl learning for the first time that my Mom had died. I still ache for that little girl…the pain sometimes is so tangible, I ache for her sadness, her loneliness, the utter despair of feeling completely lost. The feeling of “Now what?”
In this dream, I was walking in a crowd of people. I don’t know where I was, it seemed like a gathering of people like at a mall or social gathering like church. I was even talking with other people around me, whoever they were. I don’t know if we were inside or out, I don’t recall a lot of the specifics. I think I was holding something in my hands, at least I feel like I remember holding something.
But mostly I only remember seeing her beautiful soft face, and my brain actually remembering what her face looks like. I think my heart stopped for a second and then my brain said, “There she is, that’s your Momma. Run to her”.
I noticed instantly that Mom looked a lot like me, and it was almost as if she was my mirror image. In fact we were very close to the same age, which is weird because she was about 55 when she passed away, and I’m about 15 years away from 55. Her hair was short as I remember, and dark black too, which was accurate. Her white petal soft skin illuminated against her bright crimson red lipstick. She was every bit the Mother I remembered, and more. She was like the 1950’s woman I imagined she would have been if she weren’t handicapped all her life. She was a knock out! Her smile was infectious and made her even more gorgeous.
She seemed to recognize me in almost the same instant that I did her. The look on her face was beyond happiness, so I guess that means that there really isn’t a word to describe the joy on her face. She tilted her head as if to say, “Ahhh my dear Daughter, there you are, I’ve been waiting for you.” The light bounced in her eyes as she watched me approach her.
She seemed to push away whoever she was talking with and drop whatever she could to get to me. There was such urgency on her face, but utter happiness too all mixed in one emotion. We were finally re-united as Mother and Daughter. Lost no more.
I know we hugged and I couldn’t let go…weeping and jabbering and trying to sum 30 years up in just a few seconds. But the most amazing thing to me is, I didn’t need to say a word.
She already knew.